Who Am I?

Hi. My name is Allen George and I’m a fucking asshole who shouldn’t have been born. As to why I’m still alive – this is a question to which there is a very complicated answer. It is better if I disappeared is it not? Perhaps things would be better then. Why do I say stupid things? I said stupid things today. I was inconsistent. So I can better make a fool out of myself. What happened today? Ate more food than normal. Woke up after a good sleep. Finished MSCI. Went to Barry’s, Allisters and Geoff’s. Hung around. Good time. I think I will work better with them from now on. I am not smart. I am not good. I am stupid. I know I can say this here because no one will read it. This is a little corner of the world where nothing matters. Where things can happen, but…no one listens. I stopped on a road and I realized that the cars were very far away. It was weird…I felt like I was in the middle of nowhere just watching the road. The streetlights went into the distance and now I remember the time I drove down Bovaird in the fog. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve seen in my life. The soft sodium bulbs drifting in and then out of view. Like markers in a long peaceful tunnel. Their presence was enough. I remember being so awed by their beauty. I’ve never seen anything like that again. It was so quiet. But I had to sleep soon. And I couldn’t enjoy that time. I don’t enjoy my time. I stopped opposits a white house with flouresent lights glaring out. Looked down the road. So long, the lights on either side. The cars in the very far distance and I felt like falling off the bike. Just falling off and crying, screaming anything. I feel so wrong. I made a mistake and I’ll lose my friends. I have so few and this is such a bad thing to do. I wanted for a brief second to get hit. But a brief second. I’m too much of a wimp. I can’t stand the pain. I don’t know how it would feel like. I remember when I’m so angry, I want to fall down and just lose it. But I can’t. I won’t. Do you know what it feels like when you are are nothing? Do you remember that exact moment when you realized? My curse is that I’ll relive that moment every day. You listen to me and pray that you don’t become like me. You pray that you don’t turn into a failure.

Comments

  1. The_Voice - June 13, 2004 @ 19:23

    This was very depressing to read.

    ANd guess what? One of my hobbies is to read Blogs I follow from the beginning, so expect me to read EVERYTHING

  2. Allen George - June 13, 2004 @ 22:55

    In some ways Paul I remain a very depressed person. In general, I try not to write about it since the root causes are nebulous or highly personal in nature. Someday I will explore the nature of my depression and write about how I’ve lived with it.

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