Have you ever wanted something but known its just ‘not for you’? It gets to be part of your life, something you’re used to. It’s part of our development – learning to take the possibility, the eventuality that you’ll never be able to … I’m reaching for a word here … have ‘it’. Whatever ‘it’ may be. You get better however, at understanding what you can reach if you try hard enough and what’s simply unattainable. And somehow, maybe inside you try a bit to compensate. By pushing yourself to reach that alternate goal, that second, reachable ideal, did you ever stop to think – “Why? Why am I doing this? Is it because I was unable to have something else?”
These are thoughts that cross my mind as I stare at the Z transforms for my ECE 342 assignment. In some ways, I’m not quite here as I work through the problems and of course, that slows me down. I’m elsewhere. I’m flipping through my past, almost like you’d flip through a photo album. From time to time I stop, I consider an event. I try to think back and remember what it was like to be different. A different me. In many cases I stop and consider those very things that I’ll never again have. The unattainable. These occupy my thoughts today and for some reason I pore over them, analyzing them. They intrigue me as I compare them to what I know I cannot have today. And I am struck. Struck by both their similarity and the differences in what I want and how I deal with them.