I wonder about my state of my mind sometimes. It’s something that I’ve treated with alternate levels of dismissiveness and clinical detachment. I’ve often indulged the thought that I may, on some level, be magnifying the feelings/emotions I experience. Perhaps.
I do know today though, that I had a strong desire to ‘end it all’. I’m not even sure what triggered it. Imagine perhaps, a series of cumulative events that snowballed into an omnipresent ‘cloud’ hanging over me. Whatever the cause, I spent most of my day looking through another person’s eyes. Someone…who wasn’t quite me. In this state of mind I felt…as if I simply wanted to melt into the ground. Just disappear into the darkness. Wanted to experience nothingness – an impossibility. I felt like I didn’t want to continue. I find that I’ve been using the word ‘draining’ a lot recently. But perhaps that best describes my state of mind: drained. Today, I felt as if my vitality had been sponged out of me.
I’ve noticed that lately I’ve been feeling a lot more tired than usual. For example, today I sat in bed and promptly fell asleep. On Sunday, after coming back from the SD zoo (with a headache) I crashed for 20 mins on Mike’s bed while talking to Justin and then fell asleep fully dressed in my bed till 1AM. Monday I fell asleep while watching Lost In Translation – although I was enjoying the movie… I think maybe everything’s all connected and I’m not eating as much. I don’t know.