Depression…

Well, I hit a roadblock early this morning (3:00) in my quest to code for Anjuta2. Glimmer absolutely refused to compile. Bombed out with various automake/autoconf errors. As I was dead tired I decided to leave it and attack again later. Almost exactly 12 hrs later I took a look again. By judicious use of aclocal -I /home/testuser/garnome/share/aclocal/ -I /home/testuser/garnome/share/aclocal/gnome2-macros/ -I /usr/share/aclocal [I am almost 100% certain there is a better way] I got the whole mess working. Onward I go! I feel like a big part of my life is missing. But I’m not sure what part.
Today is December 20, 2002. I feel…empty. Unfulfilled, like a big part of me is missing. The feeling grows stronger every day. Its very presence consumes me, eats me from the inside out. I sit here, typing, Das Modell echoing in my head and I know, its over. I am a failure. But I CANNOT BE ONE. Why do I insit on this foolish generalization huh? Why the FUCK am I doing this? I am my own worst enemy. When I wake up each morning, my mind reminds me of all the ways I’ve screwed up the day before. My entire conciousness is consumed by the memories, never forgotten of the times I never measured up, the things I can never do but still think about – what is it that makes me ME? My cynicism, my hatred of my being. A fact I try desperately to hide by watching movies, doing work, hanging out with friends. For when I am alone, the truth stares at me, its very malignant nature painful. I do not want to be alone with myself because it only hurts. There are times, when with being alone I simply want to sit in a corner and cry, scream anything to just gobble up the emptiness that’s inside. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I’m good at. Its eating me up inside. I don’t know where I fit. Please…somebody tell me where I fit. Please – tell me what I’m doing. Please.

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