Bitter

I have been awfully bitter in the past few days. This may seem surprising to those who have accompanied me in my activities over the weekend. After all, wasn’t I the guy running around and laughing, talking about ‘pissing away my weekend because midterms are done’? Yes, same person. Different attitude. My bitterness has lingered since the start of the term, increasing in intensity as the term stretches on. But, no one like hanging around a bitter person.

In the past I’d be inclined to state that my bitterness originated in my dislike of Waterloo. Of course, this is pure nonsense. It’s like stating that my low marks are caused by the guy sitting next to me chewing gum. Both ignore the truth. The bitterness stems from my reaction to events around me. _My_ reaction.

I’ve been obsessed with the idea of changing myself, changing my personality, as if that was a panacea for the self-pity that threatens to swallow me. If I could emulate a successful person could I also be successful? Obviously not – because they’re distinct from me. Their challenges are different from mine. The truth is, I don’t think I will ever be like that – unless I manage to challenge some of the inhibitions I hold in myself. It didn’t prevent me from trying.

Let me let you in on a little secret. To improve it helps to look at those who do better than you. However, it hurts when you try to improve and it looks like no matter what – you fail. I want to be different..like da. I want to know. How many times must I fail before success is mine? How long do I have to work at it? How many days must it seem like events go against me until I get things working my way?

I feel a mixture of emotions. A feeling of lashing out against the world. I restrained it today – something I don’t do normally. A feeling of sadness since it seems like nothing (today included) seems to be going my way.

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