Do you know what time it is?
1:30 AM. 1:30AM on a Sunday.
I’ve been awake since 6AM yesterday morning and frustratingly I can’t fall asleep at all. What a change. I used to pride myself on my nocturnal prowess; now I’d give anything to fall asleep. Hit the bed at 10:40PM yesterday and been tossing and turning ever since.
If this were a normal night I’d be upset and…resigned to my fate. I’d lie awake; stare at the ceiling and concoct an entire world in my head. People. Places. It’d be a waking dream. A fascinating collage of the person I want to be and the life I want to live. I’d give my imagination freer rein – a nod to my childhood, where every night I’d construct this fantastical world – a place of images, light and wonder. A place my thoughts can only hint at now.
But this isn’t a normal night.
I have to study for the next week and every night like this means a day through which I’ll stumble heavy-lidded. Half-asleep I’ll stare at my notes, read the same page over and over as my overstretched neurons fight a losing battle to assimilate new information. I’ll be slower. Absorb less. The work I learned today will fade away and long-term recall becomes questionable. I have exams and nights like these are disastrous.
So right now, I don’t feel inconvenienced. No. I feel afraid. Afraid that whatever I’ve learned today won’t last. That I’ve lost yet another day.
I feel I’ve f***** up.