Lost In Transition

I am so tired.

This weekend, sitting, staring at the snow-covered storm pond bordering the backyard of my Brampton home, I was conscious of a great weight. It draped me. Entombed me. And I – I did not want to continue.

It is tempting to ascribe this state of being with my impending return to Waterloo. That I was unhappy to return to a life of classes, screaming colleagues and a silent, ne’er-do-anything housemate. But that’d be a lie. This wasn’t sadness. Nor dread. Or any other sharp, overwhelming, negative emotion. I simply wanted to stop.

I’ve been trying to ignore it for…well…it feels like forever. But I can’t deny its depth. Perhaps its the impermanence of my current situation. I’m living in transition. Living like a student, working like a student, but feeling markedly unlike one. Living with others, yet resenting having to return to a house that includes them. Somewhere, something inside’s moved on, while the rest of me remains.

Comments

  1. The_Voice - February 28, 2007 @ 09:24

    When are you done them grad studies my good man?

  2. The_Voice - February 28, 2007 @ 09:25

    To lighten the mood a bit too, I must remark that the title of this post is quite clever.

  3. Allen George - February 28, 2007 @ 11:35

    I thought the title was…appropriate. If I think back to Sunday, to me sitting there on that chair, staring, surreal is the best way to describe the atmosphere. It was as if I weren’t there, as if I were thinking about some one else. Detached. When I think of Lost in Translation the strongest impression I have is that same disconnection, the same surreality.

    I should be done by September ’08. Obviously the sooner, the better.

  4. laura - February 28, 2007 @ 14:34

    Welcome to what many grad students encounter – a mid-program-life-crisis. It’s a period when you want to escape from school, but you’re not quite sure how or where to. Or, more importantly, you’re unclear of where/what you would do, and you don’t want to waste your previous scholarly time you have spent thus far. Transitions are difficult. Been there. Done that. [Maybe I’m still there.]

    Personally, I decided to stick it out in grad school and made the best of it. I suppose…for what it’s worth… it was the best choice in the long run.

    Do what you feel/think is best for YOU. Good luck either way.

  5. Allen George - March 1, 2007 @ 12:41

    “Mid-program-life-crisis” hmm? :)

    What you’ve described sounds like it. It isn’t physical exhaustion. But I’m tired of being at school – even the word school sounds so childish. It’s as if my life is on hold, but on hold for what? After all, there’s nothing preventing me from moving on…

    I think there’s an element of disappointment here. There was a vision of my life after undergrad, an imagined one where I had more independence, financial security… That’s not the case right now.

    But, thank you – I will figure it out.

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